An Update.

Hi to everyone~yes, we are still waiting. It was exactly 5 weeks ago today that we received the devastating news that the surgeons found 3 polyps during Jana’s colonoscopy. I had an email from a friend who shared with me that they waited 5 MONTHS for their daughter’s biopsy and 5 YEARS for her genetic sequencing. That really helped to put it into focus for me, even though it has been a very long 5 weeks. Jana has asked why they haven’t called and checks the caller ID to see if we are keeping anything from her. The last time Marty spoke with the DR. he said they would call as soon as they know something. I know many of you have been wondering and yet did not want to bother us…you are never a bother. We do get all our messages and are so grateful for the prayer support that we feel, even though we don’t often respond to the messages.
I personally have done a lot of internal “looking” during this time and have really seen some rough edges and flaws that I wish would be different. God continues to heap upon us grace and mercy that we do not deserve…for which we are grateful. Sometimes it feels like life is at a standstill~we have determined to keep on with a few dreams that we have had as a family. One of them is starting to happen…a family CD with some of Melanie’s songs on it. Music has always been such a tremendous blessing to me, even since I was young. One song that has blessed me recently is by HisSong, “I Believe in Prayer”  written by Wayne Haun etc.
“I have walked through nights that held no hope, where I felt so all alone, I’ve seen how much a life can change with the ringing of the phone, but God knows what we’re looking for, He cares, He loves, He sees, you can call the power of Heaven down by getting on your knees,
I believe that there’s a place to go, where we can leave the burdens that we bear~I believe that we can walk into, the throne room and be heard by One who cares~I believe that anytime we call upon the name of Jesus, He is there~I believe He truly knows our hearts~I believe, I believe in prayer.
When the world that you’re surrounded by, treats you less than kind, and no matter how you search for peace, confusions all you find, but there is still a source of hope, that you cannot ignore, just pick up your broken pieces, and take them to the Lord~”

Jana’s recent favorite is by the Collingsworth Family..”He Already Sees”…the first part of the chorus is what she has been singing, “God sees the storm from the other side….” She came home from school yesterday and asked if she could listen to it. Please pray that we would be faithful and not grow weary of the wait, but can trust God for His timing~we love you all and thank God for you!              Lori for the rest of the Miller’s~Marty, Lauren, Joelle, Cameron & Jana

Still Waiting~

Initially we thought a week of waiting for biopsy results was grueling. Tuesday evening (Jan 5) the caller ID showed that the hospital was calling. The head DR. from GI was calling about Lauren. He said all seems to be clear for her. Our phone rang again last evening, Friday Jan. 8th. I cannot describe to you the feelings of emotion and apprehension we feel. Marty took the call. He came out of the office and said that Joelle seems to be clear. Cameron has a lactose intolerance but is otherwise clear as well. There is still nothing back on Jana’s results.
We were and still are so thankful & relieved that God saw fit to be gracious towards us for Lauren, Joey, and Cameron. I was quietly thanking Jesus for this phone call, because Jana came up to me and asked, “what about me?” I told her we would keep on praying and yet felt my heart torn apart at knowing her wait continues. At times my heart is filled with so much gratitude and then it feels as if my heart is breaking from the pain of watching an 8 year old process life as God sees fit to hand it to her. We are continually pleading for God’s grace and mercy to be extended to us once again…through the eyes of surrender to His will. It is a daily process for me.
This has gotten much longer than I had planned, but just wanted to let you all know that we are so very appreciative of the prayer support and contacts that you all have made on our behalf. When I think of you all coming before the very Throne of Heaven on our behalf, my heart is filled with overwhelming gratitude for such caring friends, even from people we have never met.
Last night, the song that Jana in particular has been singing has blessed me…as I watch her faith…that of a little child. The lyrics follow: “Over and Over” sung by Jeff & Sheri Easter
Chorus: “Over and over, again and again God is faithful, over and over, again and again through it all,
He’s made me able, to stand and survive, to come through alive, when it sure looked like I couldn’t win,
Jesus is with me, so I’ll claim the victory, over and over again.”
Please continue to pray as we look to next week~we are committed to being faithful, dare I say no matter the cost. We are finding peace resting in His arms. We love and appreciate each of you. Lori, for the Miller’s

12/30/09~Tuesday

We have again had a very emotionally draining day. We sat and waited again for the outcomes of Joelle & Cameron’s testing. From what they can tell, all of Lauren, Joelle, & Cameron’s initial screenings are OK. They have all had biopsies and we should have results sometime by the middle of next week. We are feeling like we are in a fog….trying to brace ourselves for the possible results of Jana’s polyps. We have talked with all of our children. There is mixed emotion for the children …knowing that we have had good news and bad. It has just been very difficult to try to explain to an 8 year old what genetics is all about without producing a lot of fear. The staff at DuPont Hospital have once again been incredibly wonderful…. as well as the outpouring of love and prayer support that we have felt from so many of you. We know that we are in the hands of an Almighty God who has allowed this valley for a reason…it is not easy thinking of the future. We are trying to live one day at a time. Could we again ask that you pray for grace to accept whatever lies ahead, as well as strength to hear the Dr. on the other end of the phone give us the results of the biopsies….We deeply appreciate each of you! Marty & Lori, Lauren, Joelle, Cameron & Jana

More Prayer Needed!

This email was written yesterday, Dec. 29, by Lori.

As some of you know, today and tomorrow marks the beginning of genetic testing for our children. Lauren & Jana went today and Joelle & Cameron are scheduled for tomorrow. They are having colonoscopies, endoscopies, & blood work done. Today was a very hard day. Jana went first around 8:30 am. The GI doctor came out around 2 hours later and said she had something to show us. We went into a consultation room where she showed us pictures of the large & small intestines. Jana had 3 polyps in the large intestine~one was flat and the other 2 had “stems”. They were biopsied and we are awaiting results. They have cautioned us to wait on test results before drawing our conclusions. It feels as though we are beginning to relive the past. We are trying to trust our Heavenly Father, and yet it seems so cruel and dark as we continue to wait. Needless to say, we are pleading once again for your prayers as we attempt to face tomorrow as well as a phone call on the biopsied polyps. We have no where to turn except once again into the arms of the Father who has promised to walk beside us and never leave us. Please pray for strength for the journey, as well as courage to tread dark waters~ Lori, for all the Miller’s

Thanksgiving 2009

I have put this off way too long! So much has happened that I hardly know where to begin….along with the knowledge that some of you have checked the blog to read an update….and there was nothing new. My intentions are great, but not always my actions!

Marty is working on completing the final stages of his lifetime dream…an audio/music studio. He has transformed what used to be a “chicken-coop” into a very amazing work of art! Lauren,18, is in the full swing of nursing school, and is doing very well. Initially I had suggested the possibility of having some type of clinical exposure at A I duPont. She wanted no parts of it! Recently she told me that she thinks she would enjoy working up there…not only at duPont…but on the oncology unit! It amazes me that there is a draw to “give back”….for which I am very grateful. Joelle continues to trudge along through her Junior high school year. She is 5′ 8″and enjoying volleyball….and at 16 enjoying being able to drive without an adult. She usually manages to see a police officer while out driving…it may be her guardian angel! Cameron, is 13 and very much a gadget person. He loves history and has a new found passion for a “ripstik”. He is very much “boy” in the midst of  a female-dominated home. Jana is 8 and growing into a young lady….there are times I call her Melanie. Not sure if its her demeanor or sound of her voice, but she does not seem to mind a bit. She thinks she’ll be a teacher when she gets older.

Back in October we went to Bethany Beach for a great weekend with my…Lori’s side of the family. My parents were celebrating 50 years of marriage. We had plans that weekend to have our 2009 family Christmas picture taken. That never happened because of an all-weekend Nor’easter! We hope to still make it happen.

About 2 weeks ago, I received a call from Dr. Walter, one of Melanie’s oncologists. He basically was asking what could be done to get all of our children to come to the hospital for colonoscopies. I had really been fighting this thought for a very long time. It is a beginning of screening to be sure none of our other children have Turcot Syndrome, or polyposis. Our children had been very resistant to the idea. After dealing with my own emotions, I did tell Dr. Walter that I would consider it. He was to call back a few weeks later. The next morning around 10, I received a phone call. I was told Cameron had fallen backwards onto the gym floor at school and had passed out, not very responsive, vomiting, and bleeding from the nose and mouth. Should they call 911 and have him taken in by ambulance? I was trying to stay calm and telling myself that I am sure they are exaggerating the situation. I found out later he was purple when he “came to” and had very blood shot eyes and blurred vision. I decided to go to school. When I got there he was laying on the gym floor, with purplish hands and still throwing up. Away we went to the ER. Marty met us there. They took us into the trauma unit and then away to have a CT scan done. When the CT technician was finished and wheeling him back, the tech turned to me and asked if he had ever had brain surgery or cancer? My mind went into a tailspin….same hospital where Mel had her first CT scan, where they came out and asked me if she had ever had any trauma to the head. Back in the trauma unit in the midst of tears I asked Marty why would someone ask such a thing? The thought that dominated my mind was he just HAS TO be OK! I found myself praying that God would see things my way…not for God’s will to be done. I had already given Him one of my children…was that not enough?

The waiting of the CT scan was finally over…they assured us it was negative! Cameron kept vomiting so they decided to keep him overnight for observation. In the collision with the other boy’s shoulder, Cameron had chipped 2 front teeth and a broken nose. The back of the head where he hit concrete was the “vision-center” of the brain. He was dazed, tired and hungry! Our follow-up appt. a few days later did confirm my finding of a slightly turned left eye. The Dr. here recommended we visit the concussion clinic up at A I duPont. We did. They want to evaluate memory and some other things with the IMPACT computer testing. As for his eye, I really believe that as a result of prayer… it has become normal again.

The afternoon we came home from the hospital, Dr. Walter had called. We caught up with each other and I told him that we had decided to go ahead with all 4 colonoscopies-even for Jana. The plan is to have them all done at AI on the same day. I also have a consultation scheduled, since Marty has been the only brave one to have his done so far.

Just a few of my random thoughts…..as I sat in the ER, I couldn’t help but believe it was another test of my faith. One in which I believe I failed. I was picturing God asking me to again trust Him with the children that He had loaned to me. My hand was clenched shut. I found myself  thinking that one child was enough…was it not? I really could not pray for God’s will when I really wanted my own. I was afraid of what it might cost me. Even today as I think about our future with sitting through the outcome of the screenings…I am not sure I have learned to fully trust God. I know deep inside that God can be trusted, but there is a part of me that has to know the outcome. What is the whole picture?….the part I think I need to see to be able to trust God. I am learning that my children truly are a gift…a gift on loan from God. I have no guarantee that they will live long, healthy lives. Is this not what faith is all about? Yes, I get stressed, anxious, and unsure about what the future may hold…that is the human part of me. I look forward to the day when I can look back and see how God has carefully guided and planned my life story. The plans that I had laid out~  how I envisioned my life to look, feel and blossom…those plans are really MY plans. God’s plans are really quite different from the ones that I have written. My plans provided for all the things that were pleasant, peaceful and mountaintop. God’s plans are all about fruit, cross-bearing, and laying down my agenda for His. I wish I could say I have always cooperated with Him….but I have found out I am quite human, and do not always pass the tests. My desire is to lay aside the desire for an easy road…and then embrace His road, with surrender to a Heavenly Father who desires only the very best!

As we have just come through the Thanksgiving time, I am attempting to be grateful each day~an attempt to choose a grateful heart. There really are so many things I have to be thankful for…sometimes it may take a little more digging to find the blessings, but they are there.

I am truly grateful for: a husband that cares deeply for the spiritual well-being of his family and knows how to “fix” almost everything, children that desire to walk with the Lord and continue to bring joy and laughter to us, money to pay the bills, friends that keep on caring and asking how we are, many good memories, Christmas traditions that warm the heart, a good night’s sleep, variety of food,  vehicles that work good, forgiveness, grace and mercy for not getting what I deserve~~the list goes on!

We do wish for each of you God’s very best…and the blessing of His love at Christmas~Lori

For a few Thanksgiving highlights click below…

tgiving 09

Is it fair?

I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks….another young life snatched away at 10 years old…another victim of that horrid disease called cancer. I had been following the story of a sweet young girl who had such a contagious smile…at the same hospital where Mel had been. I found myself pleading with God on her behalf to please not let her life end in the same way Melanie’s had ended.  There is something that silently pulls one into the story of another….a strange pulling, but one that compels you to hope that maybe this will be the child that will survive another case of childhood cancer. I could not help but sit here and cry over this young girl’s short-lived life….why does another family have to go through the heartbreak of losing their child?

We enjoyed some things this week that brought back many bittersweet memories once again…. a huge pot of garden-fresh lima beans, putting chicken necks on the trot line for another day of crabbing,  a campfire with our small group from church…I could go on rambling.

There are some things in life that can be purposefully avoided….somehow death is not on that list. I remember very vividly thinking that I would never be able to survive the awful pain of losing a child. A week ago I was sorting through some pictures and found myself going from file to file…aimlessly wasting hours as I went from year to year…..wondering how “normal”  even felt….why did I not savor those long gone days of what life once was?

For now, I choose to remind myself of the good times…..packing school lunches, homework, piano lessons, brushing out tangled hair, loud protests from Jana being teased by her brother….these really are the good times….I recall wishing from the hospital room, that I could do those things for my family that others were doing for me.

My tears have dried…May God help me to see through the blinding rain, and yes, even the storm clouds….when I am overcome with pain and loneliness of past memories…there is waiting for me…..to all those who overcome…an eternity…where we will never again know the pain of separation….NEVER!      Love, Lori

June 2009

As I sit here, the house is quiet—too quiet. Marty & Cameron are gone to cut wood for friends, Jana is with her grandparents at a softball game, Lauren is packing for her senior grad trip to TN, and Joey dragging from an early morning/late night…..So much has happened in the past month, I’ll try to quickly recap it all. I had the privilege to accompany 32 students on a 19 hour bus ride to MO. for Int’l Student Convention. This included Lauren & Joey….we had a really good time, and the students did an incredible job of giving their very best. If you follow the link on the side for the girls song on youtube for “There You Are”, you can also view some of the performances. We got home on Friday, May 29th….only to have Lauren graduate on Sunday, the 31st from 12 years of school! So hard to believe how fast time flies by….she has also been accepted for an 11 month LPN program here in DE. and is to start this fall.

I am really enjoying having the children around for the summer…seems like I miss so much of their “growing up” while they are in school. Cameron is able to keep the grass trimmed and cut. Joey and Lauren are both babysitting and really enjoying it! Speaking of growing up, Lauren has also started dating a guy from PA. He is a lot of fun to have around! Maybe I can get someone to put a picture on here sometime. I am not good with things like that…maybe we can eventually put our family pic on here from Lauren’s grad as well.

It seems my mind often travels to those things that Mel would have loved to be part of…whenever there is a change, it seems that I need to let her know what is new or how things have changed. Recently, we had a speaker from out of town at church on Sunday morning…he was speaking of an account in the Bible that from a human perspective seemed so unfair. One quote that was riveted in my mind “God may be silent, but He is not absent.” Sometimes I find myself trying to explain to God once again, how we would love to have Melanie back, trying to help Him to see from a Mom’s point of view….how nice it would feel to sit together as a family on a Sunday morning…. that it still hurts to think of how He could have stepped down and made our lives much different….but He chose not to. I read many “Caring Bridge” sites of children who are fighting in the “cancer-world” and sit here in tears as I pray that God would spare them the pain of a “lost battle”~

I still believe in my heart that God can be trusted, even though there are no answers for my many questions…..one Sunday evening ….probably the only Sunday evening service that Melanie attended after she was diagnosed… Lauren, Joey and I sang the following song…I have found that beyond the tears, questions, and confusion….God is my Rock~the only One that will stand the test of time!  The best is yet to come~    Lori

I DO BELIEVE

“Some say faith
is just believing
others say its self decieving
inventing childish dreams

to get us through
deep inside me
theres a yearning
for true wisdom
not just learning

I’d trade all my clever questions
for one answer that is true~
I do believe
You are the one
the home

I’ve longed to find
my only hope
God’s only Son
I do believe
I touch I see
that all along
You’ve longed to be
my Lord
my God~
Lord you know, I need some answers
questions eat at me like cancer
make me once again, a simple child
help me take the risk of losing
lose it all to find in choosing
to believe You are the answer
earth and heaven reconciled~
I do believe
You are the one
the home I’ve longed to find
my only hope
God’s only Son
I do believe
I touch I see
that all along
You’ve longed to be
I do believe
You are the one
the home I’ve longed to find
my only hope
God’s only Son
I do believe
I touch,I see
that all along You’ve longed to be
my Lord
my GOD
my Lord
my GOD.”

Happy 15th Birthday, Mel

It’s hard to believe Mel would be 15 today…and joining our youth group! This morning as I was in the kitchen, the sun actually came out…after days of rain and clouds! Then as I was making lunches and breakfast, I heard from the CD that was playing….”Gone”…it was like a little reminder from Mel, that even though she is gone from us here, it is SO exciting to me to know that I will get to see her again….”Gone, the stone is rolled back, Gone, the tomb is empty, Gone, to sit at the Father’s side, Gone, over death triumphant, Gone, sin is defeated, Gone, and He lives forevermore!”
There is probably nothing more precious to the heart of a parent who has lost a child, than to know that they will get to see their child again…..I know from my conversations with Mel, that she had made things right where they needed to be made right, and that she was attempting to live in a way that she would not have to look back with any regrets…her faith in Jesus continues to encourage my heart to be faithful so I can not only see her again, but the One that made it possible for us to live again together~ FOREVER!
I want to go get some balloons to put on the gravesite….I think I’ll try to find them in her favorite colors, lime green, orange and pink.
Live today like it may be your last~ Love, Lori

2009 Regional Convention

Recently our school spent part of a week in PA. at their annual regional school convention/competition. It is an opportunity for 14yrs ? through high school to compete in various events, these include music, sports, drama, and academics in order to encourage gifts and abilities for the Kingdom of God. Central Christian School has been and continues to be a blessing for many. My bro has posted some vids on youtube of some of the singing competition. I put a link on the sidebar to my bros youtube channel. The ones marked CCS are from our school.

Til next time, Marty

A Rainy Day in April

The day sort of reflects my feelings, so thought I’d write–since the house is quiet with no one else to talk to–yesterday we had a morning of sharing at our church service in preparation for the evening’s Communion service. I spoke briefly of the tight clasp of my hand, inside of which is many people that I have grown to love–I felt such a need to openly share my desire for my grip to be loosened in surrender to an almighty, heavenly Father.

20 years ago we were married and had a very happy, fulfilling relationship. For our  year anniversary, Marty bought me a cocker spaniel puppy, who we both fell in love with and treated him like our baby. Since we had no children at that time, “Chipper” began to wiggle his way into our hearts. I began to wonder~ if he was just a dog, how would it feel to love a child even more! Shortly thereafter, I found out we were having a baby. One day when Chipper and I were getting ready to go out for a walk, he darted away from me after something he must have spotted across the road. There was a car coming at the same time~we were devastated. After burying him I remember thinking, if only I had not let myself become so attached to a silly little dog, the pain would be much easier. About 4 months later, Lauren was born to us. I felt that same feeling overwhelm me, that God had provided such a bright spot for us again–I openly embraced the joy of motherhood. A few weeks later, Lauren started choking–in my panic I desperately tried to remember what to do–after all, I had taken CPR. Nothing seemed to work –I watched her little lips turn bluish–I remembered I should call my sister who was only a minute away. In my desperation, I also remembering calling out to God to help me–before my sister came, Lauren started swallowing and breathing again–a flashback of those same feelings came back–if only I could keep myself from becoming attached to her, I won’t get hurt again. I felt a gnawing sense of guilt as I decided that if I pushed the people that I love just a little further away from me, I could shield myself from pain and hurt. Would God take away from me those gifts that He had so graciously given?

Two daughters and a son were born over the next few years, and I found myself starting to relax my mentality of building walls that protect from pain. In the back of my mind, I still knew that I had an uncle, that at 12 years old, died of cancer. I remember taking Melanie to the Dr. and voicing my concern over our family history because of her frequent nose bleeds~ I remember spelling the word “leukemia” to the Dr. so Melanie would not understand what I was talking about–the blood work came back OK–I breathed a sigh of relief, trusting that I had done my part as a mom. I found myself wrapped up in the enjoyment of motherhood– Several years later, I was pregnant with Jana. Shortly before she was born, I tested positive for beta strep. The night after she was born, I was in the hospital, settling down for the night. I reminded the nurse that Jana’s blood work was never done to test her for beta strep. She right away drew the labs and said they would send them off right away. A few hours later, I was told that her “levels” were rising, indicating that she had beta strep. I picked up the phone and called a midwife friend that we had used in the past, and knew that this was not something that we were prepared for. Those same feelings came rushing back~ how had I let myself be caught up again in allowing myself to love again~ I again remembering laying hands on her and pleading with God to spare her of this. God in His goodness, miraculously brought her levels down to normal.

Life went back to “normal”–we were enjoying being a family~ the many stages~ and I felt that God had again brought a lot of joy to us, joy that we knew was truly a blessing from above. I could freely give love to my family, and receive love again in return. I was enjoying those “gifts”.

One evening when we were at my sister’s home, she and I decided to run out and grab some KFC for dinner, and leave the kids at the house where everyone was outside enjoying a huge dirt pile–I knew besides the dads, our older children were very responsible as well. When we came home, everyone was in the house ~ Jana, now 3, had been in an ATV accident~ once again those cries from a mother’s heart were….”No, not my child!”  The pain and fear of what may have been did not really sink in until a few days later. God had spared Jana from any serious injury….only a concussion and a very small indentation remain to this day.

When Cameron was in 1st grade, the phone rang. It was the school calling for me to come–he had fallen off the top of the slide. He survived with only a broken arm.

Was it safe for me to let my guard down again, even tear down some of those walls, to allow myself to love at any cost? I wasn’t sure, but doesn’t time always heal?If I could just hold those “gifts” a little tighter, they could not be taken away.

Then came June of 2007–knowing that something was dreadfully wrong with Melanie. One more time, those feelings rose to the surface. I had allowed myself to become vulnerable to be hurt by those that were very close to me–through no choice of their own. I vividly remember thinking I would never survive if this was NOT just another close call. After all God did promise not to give us more than we can handle……

To love and be loved truly is a gift…..along with that love comes pain and hurt. I have decided that it is still by far, better to take the risk of loving than to live in fear and miss the peace and joy along the way. Yes, it still hurts, deeply at times, but the thought of selfishly pulling myself away from those that still reach out to me and love me so unconditionally~ is a thought that I will put on the shelf for now–the gifts, even though laced with pain, hurt, and sometimes even tragedy….are still held gently in my hand. But this time, my hand is open–no longer a clenched fist, daring God or anything to grab them away. Those gifts never were mine to begin with–God only loans them to me to help in the building of His Kingdom–my “gifts” I have surrendered, back to the Creator, the One who gave them to me in the beginning–He has promised to hold them in His Hand.     Lori