Today-September 13, 2008

Today is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Day–a Day that I never knew existed until we became part of the “cancer-world”. Even though it’s a world I never thought or expected I would be part of, it’s a very difficult day for those of us who sometimes feel “chosen” to walk down this path.

Marty & Cameron went to the Men’s Retreat in MD. that happens every other year. We have had some “girl time” and am looking forward to some more. Sometimes in the back of my mind I catch myself thinking what it would like to still have Mel around. Last night –yes, I actually cooked dinner–I made Mel’s favorite dish that was brought up to the hospital by her aunt Naomi–”cheeseburger soup”–the girls loved it! I was feeling a little guilty for fixing one of her favorites without having her to enjoy it with. I was then reminded of something a friend shared with me, in my own words,–don’t forget that the other children need to know that they were and still are very important to our family–even just as important as Melanie. I am so very grateful that God has blessed us with 5 children, even when I am tempted to again try to figure out the big picture when one is missing. Does one ever get to the place of not feeling a twinge of guilt for having fun–doing something together that I know Mel would have loved to be part of?? Is it because I am afraid of losing something that I want to remember? I wonder if I have truly resigned myself to the fact that this is life, as God has given it to me now, for this stage of our lives–I find myself wishing so often to have Mel back–even if it would be just to tell her something, or hear her voice again, or to touch what seems a foggy memory of her–It would sometimes be so easy to withdraw and pull into a little shell where nothing can hurt me, or I would not have to feel pain, or be forced to deal with reality–I know that is the easy way out–I pray that God continues to keep me from slipping down into that world of despair and self-pity. I also know that in that world is not where Mel would want me to be.

I know my cousin from Texas would appreciate prayer for their 7 year-old, Jeremy. They recently found out that he has Burkitt’s lymphoma–they are still doing many scans. The feelings that one can recall very vividly with the first diagnosis are no doubt for them just as difficult. I know that Jeremy Wilson and his family, as well as Zackary Adamsky & family, would appreciate prayer for their ongoing struggle with life in the “cancer-world”.

I hope that you can read between the lines and still know that I am holding on to a faith that one Day will become sight. The struggles that I shared are from the heart of one who knows that God can still be trusted with my “everything”, even when my feelings scream out so many different emotions–God is faithful.

Love, Lori for the Miller’s

September 4, 2008

Well, I did not intend to let this go so long before updating, but life has been extremely busy. I remember telling Marty while we were up at the hospital, that I hope we never have to get back on the rat race again. A lot has happened since the last update. Joelle is back from a 4 week trip to Spain/Morocco. Somewhere out there on the web are LOTS of pics of their trip. The day before she was scheduled to come home, I was babysitting for Luke, a 4 year-old, and was telling him that Joelle would be home again soon. He got this puzzled look on his face and said, “I thought it was Melanie that was coming back.” I was not sure how to respond, although I told him we’d be able to see her again someday. This is the same little fellow that carries Mel’s picture around in his lunchbox with him–she had given it to him just before she got sick. He put it in there and has kept it there ever since.

I’m not too sure why, but these last several weeks have been much harder than I expected them to be. I am beginning to learn that grief has no rules. I was thinking so much about all the changes that have taken place in our home, since Mel’s been gone and would just love to share some things with her. I sometimes think that doubt, fear & anger are much easier emotions to come by than trust & faith in a God who I know ultimately has our best in mind–it seems that all the “head knowledge” that I once had, somehow needs to make it into my heart. Sometimes the feelings override the facts of what I know to be true, and I have to just tell myself that one day maybe things will balance out.

Our church family continues to be so supportive of our family–it is not unusual to go to the mailbox and find an encouraging note. Many evenings I walk outside to find a beautiful sunset and am reminded of that one special sunset picture taken from the Intensive Care Unit at DuPont with the bell tower as the backdrop. I remember wondering if Mel would ever be able to enjoy some of those small things in life. I met a lady at the bank yesterday who asked if we were the ones that used to come into sing at Silver Lake Nursing Home. I told her it was our family–she asked if we were coming back–I didn’t realize they did not know about Mel, so I told her we would maybe hopefully be back again–her eyes filled with tears as she encouraged us to be faithful–it never ceases to amaze me how God places people in my day to remind me of His care for us–

I have begun a tribute to A I DuPont so will post it when it’s finished–I want to take my time so no one is left out–but am not sure if that is possible. Continue to pray for all those children that are affected by that word called “cancer”–it is a strange world to be part of, one I don’t think I’ll ever understand.

Love , Lori for the Miller’s