Didn’t think I would post for a while, but found that sitting down at the computer and talking to it proves to be good therapy for me–
My mind usually goes to many different scenes of our lives from the past 20 years–we watched a few short clips of home movies the other night–if time could only rewind. Cameron–holding the rabbit named “wabbit”–Mel singing “Mary had a little lamb’–her own version, Joey directing her congregation in her own vibrato, Lauren performing with a HUGE bow in her hair,( Jana wasn’t born yet)–I think these kind of memories always bring on the tears for one reason–knowing your family is growing, changing, and will never be the same again. Reminders of life in a more carefree stage–when the future is still unknown, wishing to freeze those happy days–but yet knowing life moves on with or without you.
We never realized back in those “young” years the impending storm we would face and threaten the very soul of our family–I recently read a post from a mom that lost her 21 year old daughter–I could so identify with this complete stranger–the feelings that cause you to lash out in anger, not even sure where these feelings are coming from or going to. I remember early on in the hospital, not once, but twice ending up in a room beside 2 cancer patients that died while we were there. I remember so vividly thinking if I could only get away from these morbid scenes,and ignore them, they won’t rub off on me–somehow believing that if only I could remove Mel from these situations, our outcome would be much different than theirs–months later realizing that no amount of my willful thinking can or will change a thing. This kind of thinking may sound very strange to some of you—Of course I knew that ultimately God would & had already decided–
In many ways, I still don’t understand the many emotions & responses within me–when those I desperately love have taken the brunt of my unexplained reactions–although I secretly suspect when I love someone and become close to them–that somehow God will reach down and snatch them away–it makes me want to push people away and not allow myself to become vulnerable again, for fear that I may only get hurt again–sometimes it’s just much easier to withdraw and hold people at arms length…..I look back on those people and things that God has chosen to take away, and somehow can’t quite bring myself to bless Him –” I’ll praise the God who gives and takes away…” —the giving is the part I don’t have too much trouble with–it’s the taking away.
Well, I’m sitting here trying to decide if I have the courage to publish this post–my hesitation is–I don’t want to be pitied, I just need to verbalize how I’m feeling and be able to look back one day, and see where God has brought me from. Speaking of courage, I need to make a little trip to Byler’s and purchase a little ornament for Melanie –it is a “Willow Tree” angel of courage. She loved these angels and this one is so much of who she was and inspires me to be–to keep moving forward in the midst of the storms, when the outcome may not be as you have prayed, or even wished for.
Those of you who continue to reach out to us in many ways, thanks for your courage to do so, even if the words are not there–we are deeply grateful for each of you that stand beside us, pray for us, & encourage us to be faithful. We need to know there is hope, and joy again— Merry Christmas! Lori
