The day sort of reflects my feelings, so thought I’d write–since the house is quiet with no one else to talk to–yesterday we had a morning of sharing at our church service in preparation for the evening’s Communion service. I spoke briefly of the tight clasp of my hand, inside of which is many people that I have grown to love–I felt such a need to openly share my desire for my grip to be loosened in surrender to an almighty, heavenly Father.
20 years ago we were married and had a very happy, fulfilling relationship. For our year anniversary, Marty bought me a cocker spaniel puppy, who we both fell in love with and treated him like our baby. Since we had no children at that time, “Chipper” began to wiggle his way into our hearts. I began to wonder~ if he was just a dog, how would it feel to love a child even more! Shortly thereafter, I found out we were having a baby. One day when Chipper and I were getting ready to go out for a walk, he darted away from me after something he must have spotted across the road. There was a car coming at the same time~we were devastated. After burying him I remember thinking, if only I had not let myself become so attached to a silly little dog, the pain would be much easier. About 4 months later, Lauren was born to us. I felt that same feeling overwhelm me, that God had provided such a bright spot for us again–I openly embraced the joy of motherhood. A few weeks later, Lauren started choking–in my panic I desperately tried to remember what to do–after all, I had taken CPR. Nothing seemed to work –I watched her little lips turn bluish–I remembered I should call my sister who was only a minute away. In my desperation, I also remembering calling out to God to help me–before my sister came, Lauren started swallowing and breathing again–a flashback of those same feelings came back–if only I could keep myself from becoming attached to her, I won’t get hurt again. I felt a gnawing sense of guilt as I decided that if I pushed the people that I love just a little further away from me, I could shield myself from pain and hurt. Would God take away from me those gifts that He had so graciously given?
Two daughters and a son were born over the next few years, and I found myself starting to relax my mentality of building walls that protect from pain. In the back of my mind, I still knew that I had an uncle, that at 12 years old, died of cancer. I remember taking Melanie to the Dr. and voicing my concern over our family history because of her frequent nose bleeds~ I remember spelling the word “leukemia” to the Dr. so Melanie would not understand what I was talking about–the blood work came back OK–I breathed a sigh of relief, trusting that I had done my part as a mom. I found myself wrapped up in the enjoyment of motherhood– Several years later, I was pregnant with Jana. Shortly before she was born, I tested positive for beta strep. The night after she was born, I was in the hospital, settling down for the night. I reminded the nurse that Jana’s blood work was never done to test her for beta strep. She right away drew the labs and said they would send them off right away. A few hours later, I was told that her “levels” were rising, indicating that she had beta strep. I picked up the phone and called a midwife friend that we had used in the past, and knew that this was not something that we were prepared for. Those same feelings came rushing back~ how had I let myself be caught up again in allowing myself to love again~ I again remembering laying hands on her and pleading with God to spare her of this. God in His goodness, miraculously brought her levels down to normal.
Life went back to “normal”–we were enjoying being a family~ the many stages~ and I felt that God had again brought a lot of joy to us, joy that we knew was truly a blessing from above. I could freely give love to my family, and receive love again in return. I was enjoying those “gifts”.
One evening when we were at my sister’s home, she and I decided to run out and grab some KFC for dinner, and leave the kids at the house where everyone was outside enjoying a huge dirt pile–I knew besides the dads, our older children were very responsible as well. When we came home, everyone was in the house ~ Jana, now 3, had been in an ATV accident~ once again those cries from a mother’s heart were….”No, not my child!” The pain and fear of what may have been did not really sink in until a few days later. God had spared Jana from any serious injury….only a concussion and a very small indentation remain to this day.
When Cameron was in 1st grade, the phone rang. It was the school calling for me to come–he had fallen off the top of the slide. He survived with only a broken arm.
Was it safe for me to let my guard down again, even tear down some of those walls, to allow myself to love at any cost? I wasn’t sure, but doesn’t time always heal?If I could just hold those “gifts” a little tighter, they could not be taken away.
Then came June of 2007–knowing that something was dreadfully wrong with Melanie. One more time, those feelings rose to the surface. I had allowed myself to become vulnerable to be hurt by those that were very close to me–through no choice of their own. I vividly remember thinking I would never survive if this was NOT just another close call. After all God did promise not to give us more than we can handle……
To love and be loved truly is a gift…..along with that love comes pain and hurt. I have decided that it is still by far, better to take the risk of loving than to live in fear and miss the peace and joy along the way. Yes, it still hurts, deeply at times, but the thought of selfishly pulling myself away from those that still reach out to me and love me so unconditionally~ is a thought that I will put on the shelf for now–the gifts, even though laced with pain, hurt, and sometimes even tragedy….are still held gently in my hand. But this time, my hand is open–no longer a clenched fist, daring God or anything to grab them away. Those gifts never were mine to begin with–God only loans them to me to help in the building of His Kingdom–my “gifts” I have surrendered, back to the Creator, the One who gave them to me in the beginning–He has promised to hold them in His Hand. Lori
