Is it fair?

I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks….another young life snatched away at 10 years old…another victim of that horrid disease called cancer. I had been following the story of a sweet young girl who had such a contagious smile…at the same hospital where Mel had been. I found myself pleading with God on her behalf to please not let her life end in the same way Melanie’s had ended.  There is something that silently pulls one into the story of another….a strange pulling, but one that compels you to hope that maybe this will be the child that will survive another case of childhood cancer. I could not help but sit here and cry over this young girl’s short-lived life….why does another family have to go through the heartbreak of losing their child?

We enjoyed some things this week that brought back many bittersweet memories once again…. a huge pot of garden-fresh lima beans, putting chicken necks on the trot line for another day of crabbing,  a campfire with our small group from church…I could go on rambling.

There are some things in life that can be purposefully avoided….somehow death is not on that list. I remember very vividly thinking that I would never be able to survive the awful pain of losing a child. A week ago I was sorting through some pictures and found myself going from file to file…aimlessly wasting hours as I went from year to year…..wondering how “normal”  even felt….why did I not savor those long gone days of what life once was?

For now, I choose to remind myself of the good times…..packing school lunches, homework, piano lessons, brushing out tangled hair, loud protests from Jana being teased by her brother….these really are the good times….I recall wishing from the hospital room, that I could do those things for my family that others were doing for me.

My tears have dried…May God help me to see through the blinding rain, and yes, even the storm clouds….when I am overcome with pain and loneliness of past memories…there is waiting for me…..to all those who overcome…an eternity…where we will never again know the pain of separation….NEVER!      Love, Lori

June 2009

As I sit here, the house is quiet—too quiet. Marty & Cameron are gone to cut wood for friends, Jana is with her grandparents at a softball game, Lauren is packing for her senior grad trip to TN, and Joey dragging from an early morning/late night…..So much has happened in the past month, I’ll try to quickly recap it all. I had the privilege to accompany 32 students on a 19 hour bus ride to MO. for Int’l Student Convention. This included Lauren & Joey….we had a really good time, and the students did an incredible job of giving their very best. If you follow the link on the side for the girls song on youtube for “There You Are”, you can also view some of the performances. We got home on Friday, May 29th….only to have Lauren graduate on Sunday, the 31st from 12 years of school! So hard to believe how fast time flies by….she has also been accepted for an 11 month LPN program here in DE. and is to start this fall.

I am really enjoying having the children around for the summer…seems like I miss so much of their “growing up” while they are in school. Cameron is able to keep the grass trimmed and cut. Joey and Lauren are both babysitting and really enjoying it! Speaking of growing up, Lauren has also started dating a guy from PA. He is a lot of fun to have around! Maybe I can get someone to put a picture on here sometime. I am not good with things like that…maybe we can eventually put our family pic on here from Lauren’s grad as well.

It seems my mind often travels to those things that Mel would have loved to be part of…whenever there is a change, it seems that I need to let her know what is new or how things have changed. Recently, we had a speaker from out of town at church on Sunday morning…he was speaking of an account in the Bible that from a human perspective seemed so unfair. One quote that was riveted in my mind “God may be silent, but He is not absent.” Sometimes I find myself trying to explain to God once again, how we would love to have Melanie back, trying to help Him to see from a Mom’s point of view….how nice it would feel to sit together as a family on a Sunday morning…. that it still hurts to think of how He could have stepped down and made our lives much different….but He chose not to. I read many “Caring Bridge” sites of children who are fighting in the “cancer-world” and sit here in tears as I pray that God would spare them the pain of a “lost battle”~

I still believe in my heart that God can be trusted, even though there are no answers for my many questions…..one Sunday evening ….probably the only Sunday evening service that Melanie attended after she was diagnosed… Lauren, Joey and I sang the following song…I have found that beyond the tears, questions, and confusion….God is my Rock~the only One that will stand the test of time!  The best is yet to come~    Lori

I DO BELIEVE

“Some say faith
is just believing
others say its self decieving
inventing childish dreams

to get us through
deep inside me
theres a yearning
for true wisdom
not just learning

I’d trade all my clever questions
for one answer that is true~
I do believe
You are the one
the home

I’ve longed to find
my only hope
God’s only Son
I do believe
I touch I see
that all along
You’ve longed to be
my Lord
my God~
Lord you know, I need some answers
questions eat at me like cancer
make me once again, a simple child
help me take the risk of losing
lose it all to find in choosing
to believe You are the answer
earth and heaven reconciled~
I do believe
You are the one
the home I’ve longed to find
my only hope
God’s only Son
I do believe
I touch I see
that all along
You’ve longed to be
I do believe
You are the one
the home I’ve longed to find
my only hope
God’s only Son
I do believe
I touch,I see
that all along You’ve longed to be
my Lord
my GOD
my Lord
my GOD.”

Happy 15th Birthday, Mel

It’s hard to believe Mel would be 15 today…and joining our youth group! This morning as I was in the kitchen, the sun actually came out…after days of rain and clouds! Then as I was making lunches and breakfast, I heard from the CD that was playing….”Gone”…it was like a little reminder from Mel, that even though she is gone from us here, it is SO exciting to me to know that I will get to see her again….”Gone, the stone is rolled back, Gone, the tomb is empty, Gone, to sit at the Father’s side, Gone, over death triumphant, Gone, sin is defeated, Gone, and He lives forevermore!”
There is probably nothing more precious to the heart of a parent who has lost a child, than to know that they will get to see their child again…..I know from my conversations with Mel, that she had made things right where they needed to be made right, and that she was attempting to live in a way that she would not have to look back with any regrets…her faith in Jesus continues to encourage my heart to be faithful so I can not only see her again, but the One that made it possible for us to live again together~ FOREVER!
I want to go get some balloons to put on the gravesite….I think I’ll try to find them in her favorite colors, lime green, orange and pink.
Live today like it may be your last~ Love, Lori

2009 Regional Convention

Recently our school spent part of a week in PA. at their annual regional school convention/competition. It is an opportunity for 14yrs ? through high school to compete in various events, these include music, sports, drama, and academics in order to encourage gifts and abilities for the Kingdom of God. Central Christian School has been and continues to be a blessing for many. My bro has posted some vids on youtube of some of the singing competition. I put a link on the sidebar to my bros youtube channel. The ones marked CCS are from our school.

Til next time, Marty

A Rainy Day in April

The day sort of reflects my feelings, so thought I’d write–since the house is quiet with no one else to talk to–yesterday we had a morning of sharing at our church service in preparation for the evening’s Communion service. I spoke briefly of the tight clasp of my hand, inside of which is many people that I have grown to love–I felt such a need to openly share my desire for my grip to be loosened in surrender to an almighty, heavenly Father.

20 years ago we were married and had a very happy, fulfilling relationship. For our  year anniversary, Marty bought me a cocker spaniel puppy, who we both fell in love with and treated him like our baby. Since we had no children at that time, “Chipper” began to wiggle his way into our hearts. I began to wonder~ if he was just a dog, how would it feel to love a child even more! Shortly thereafter, I found out we were having a baby. One day when Chipper and I were getting ready to go out for a walk, he darted away from me after something he must have spotted across the road. There was a car coming at the same time~we were devastated. After burying him I remember thinking, if only I had not let myself become so attached to a silly little dog, the pain would be much easier. About 4 months later, Lauren was born to us. I felt that same feeling overwhelm me, that God had provided such a bright spot for us again–I openly embraced the joy of motherhood. A few weeks later, Lauren started choking–in my panic I desperately tried to remember what to do–after all, I had taken CPR. Nothing seemed to work –I watched her little lips turn bluish–I remembered I should call my sister who was only a minute away. In my desperation, I also remembering calling out to God to help me–before my sister came, Lauren started swallowing and breathing again–a flashback of those same feelings came back–if only I could keep myself from becoming attached to her, I won’t get hurt again. I felt a gnawing sense of guilt as I decided that if I pushed the people that I love just a little further away from me, I could shield myself from pain and hurt. Would God take away from me those gifts that He had so graciously given?

Two daughters and a son were born over the next few years, and I found myself starting to relax my mentality of building walls that protect from pain. In the back of my mind, I still knew that I had an uncle, that at 12 years old, died of cancer. I remember taking Melanie to the Dr. and voicing my concern over our family history because of her frequent nose bleeds~ I remember spelling the word “leukemia” to the Dr. so Melanie would not understand what I was talking about–the blood work came back OK–I breathed a sigh of relief, trusting that I had done my part as a mom. I found myself wrapped up in the enjoyment of motherhood– Several years later, I was pregnant with Jana. Shortly before she was born, I tested positive for beta strep. The night after she was born, I was in the hospital, settling down for the night. I reminded the nurse that Jana’s blood work was never done to test her for beta strep. She right away drew the labs and said they would send them off right away. A few hours later, I was told that her “levels” were rising, indicating that she had beta strep. I picked up the phone and called a midwife friend that we had used in the past, and knew that this was not something that we were prepared for. Those same feelings came rushing back~ how had I let myself be caught up again in allowing myself to love again~ I again remembering laying hands on her and pleading with God to spare her of this. God in His goodness, miraculously brought her levels down to normal.

Life went back to “normal”–we were enjoying being a family~ the many stages~ and I felt that God had again brought a lot of joy to us, joy that we knew was truly a blessing from above. I could freely give love to my family, and receive love again in return. I was enjoying those “gifts”.

One evening when we were at my sister’s home, she and I decided to run out and grab some KFC for dinner, and leave the kids at the house where everyone was outside enjoying a huge dirt pile–I knew besides the dads, our older children were very responsible as well. When we came home, everyone was in the house ~ Jana, now 3, had been in an ATV accident~ once again those cries from a mother’s heart were….”No, not my child!”  The pain and fear of what may have been did not really sink in until a few days later. God had spared Jana from any serious injury….only a concussion and a very small indentation remain to this day.

When Cameron was in 1st grade, the phone rang. It was the school calling for me to come–he had fallen off the top of the slide. He survived with only a broken arm.

Was it safe for me to let my guard down again, even tear down some of those walls, to allow myself to love at any cost? I wasn’t sure, but doesn’t time always heal?If I could just hold those “gifts” a little tighter, they could not be taken away.

Then came June of 2007–knowing that something was dreadfully wrong with Melanie. One more time, those feelings rose to the surface. I had allowed myself to become vulnerable to be hurt by those that were very close to me–through no choice of their own. I vividly remember thinking I would never survive if this was NOT just another close call. After all God did promise not to give us more than we can handle……

To love and be loved truly is a gift…..along with that love comes pain and hurt. I have decided that it is still by far, better to take the risk of loving than to live in fear and miss the peace and joy along the way. Yes, it still hurts, deeply at times, but the thought of selfishly pulling myself away from those that still reach out to me and love me so unconditionally~ is a thought that I will put on the shelf for now–the gifts, even though laced with pain, hurt, and sometimes even tragedy….are still held gently in my hand. But this time, my hand is open–no longer a clenched fist, daring God or anything to grab them away. Those gifts never were mine to begin with–God only loans them to me to help in the building of His Kingdom–my “gifts” I have surrendered, back to the Creator, the One who gave them to me in the beginning–He has promised to hold them in His Hand.     Lori

Last year…..

Thought a post would be in order–some of you have wondered what the holidays were like for our family…good, yet hard. There’s not any real good way to describe the fact that life pushes you forward, even when there’s times it would be nice to “rewind” and go through things at a slower pace.  Mel’s gravesite has a pine “blanket” with a gold butterfly and bow. We’re still waiting on the headstone. Her Sunday school class also put together a beautiful wreath with lots a notecards of memories they shared….We also received many cards and pictures from friends that continue to reach out to us–we did not send a single card this year…we did manage to snap a quick picture of the 4 kids, but have not done anything with it yet.

My mind has been traveling quite a bit to last year at this time. We just came from the Faith basketball tournament on Saturday night–our guys again won the championship game. Last year, on the way home, the team stopped by the hospital where Mel was still in Intensive Care–she was nonresponsive during a very rough 5 or so days. I remember so well telling her about the game that they won for “her”. I remember wondering if she would ever know….she never did get the chance to watch that game. I remember thinking, “It can’t end this way.” God very graciously woke her up again a few days later. We were able to go back up to 3rd floor in time for Lauren(17)and Joelle’s(15) BD party.

That day was also a highlight as many of the girls from the high school came up for the afternoon to have a party for the girls. Dr. Powell came in and sang with the girls…a very special time!  Later that night, a lot of our families came up to celebrate the girl’s birthdays. Many thanks to Aunt Meri and Uncle Bob Spry for providing crab cakes and subs and many other goodies.  A.J. also provided the entertainment!~ Mel was able to be wheeled down into the hallway outside of the “party room” because her bed was too wide to fit through the doorway. After coming back up to 3CN, Mel sang the song, “Praise You in This Storm”–the link is on the side…. I will never forget how I felt when she broke down when she sang about “my strength is almost gone, how can I carry on, if I can’t find You….”  never knowing that in  4 short weeks after this, that she would be gone.  My mother heart still longs to hold her, and  feel her “prickly” head again.

A movie we watched recently grabbed my attention when someone said something like, “…the flurry of activity hides the pain of life..” How true for me….sometimes it’s easier to just bury yourself in busyness so the pain doesn’t feel so real. We are finding God’s grace for every day to carry us. We are also finding that it’s not about us, or even Melanie, but about God, and bringing glory to Him through the valleys, or mountaintops…if we can move out of the way. It really is our greatest desire to allow God to use this valley for His glory.

Many thanks to you who continue to walk alongside of us in so many ways–we are truly blessed and grateful.  Love, Lori for the Miller’s

Christmas in Heaven

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees–around the world below

With tiny lights like heaven’s stars… reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear

For I am spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear

But the sound of music can’t compare to the Christmas choir up here

I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring

For it is beyond description…to hear the angels sing

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

I can’t tell you of the splendor, or the peace here in this place

Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?

I’ll ask him to lift your spirit –as I tell him of your love

So then pray for one another –as you lift your eyes above

Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing

For I am spending Christmas in heaven—

and I’m walking with the King.

by Wanda Bencke

Christmas Thoughts

Christmas at our house this year will be different, and I’m not sure I like the “different”. You would think that after 10 months or so life would find a level of “normal”. I guess you can never prepare for such an event. Being wrapped in this earthly realm makes one curious of things in the heavenly. I believe Melanie is more alive now than she ever was, but I still would love to see her walk in the door with school books in tow, or hear her sing. I guess it will be a lifetime of adjustment. We look back on the last few months with a lot of thankfulness for the caring people in our lives. As I think back to the last Christmas with Melanie, it will be etched in my mind forever. Our special church family will never know what it meant for us to have gifts brought to our house to open Christmas morning. Melanie certainly had that sparkle in her eyes even though she didn’t feel 100%. We didn’t realize how little time we had left with Mel. Wonderful family memories fill our minds, yet there are more to be made. May we as a family continue to heal and carry on the courage and strength that Mel taught us so often. I’d like to include some pics of last Christmas….

Mel singing Silent Night with Jana

Mel opening her digital camera

We would like to wish everyone a blessed Christmas and New Year!

Marty for the Miller’s

Random Thinking….

Didn’t think I would post for a while, but found that sitting down at the computer and talking to it proves to be good therapy for me–

My mind usually goes to many different scenes of our lives from the past 20 years–we watched a few short clips of home movies the other night–if time could only rewind. Cameron–holding the rabbit named “wabbit”–Mel singing “Mary had a little lamb’–her own version,  Joey directing her congregation in her own vibrato, Lauren performing with a HUGE bow in her hair,( Jana wasn’t born yet)–I think these kind of memories always bring on the tears for one reason–knowing your family is growing, changing, and will never be the same again. Reminders of life in a more carefree stage–when the future is still unknown, wishing to freeze those happy days–but yet knowing life moves on with or without you.

We never realized back in those “young” years the impending storm we would face and threaten the very soul of our family–I recently read a post from a mom that lost her 21 year old daughter–I could so identify with this complete stranger–the feelings that cause you to lash out in anger, not even sure where these feelings are coming from or going to. I remember early on in the hospital, not once, but twice ending up in a room beside 2 cancer patients that died while we were there. I remember so vividly thinking if I could only get away from these morbid scenes,and ignore them, they won’t rub off on me–somehow believing that if only I could remove Mel from these situations, our outcome would be much different than theirs–months later realizing that no amount of my willful thinking can or will change a thing. This kind of thinking may sound very strange to some of you—Of course I knew that ultimately God would & had already decided–

In many ways, I still don’t understand the many emotions & responses within me–when those I desperately love have taken the brunt of my unexplained reactions–although I secretly suspect when I love someone and become close to them–that somehow God will reach down and snatch them away–it makes me want to push people away and not allow myself to become vulnerable again, for fear that I may only get hurt again–sometimes it’s just much easier to withdraw and hold people at arms length…..I look back on those people and things that God has chosen to take away, and somehow can’t quite bring myself to bless Him –” I’ll praise the God who gives and takes away…” —the giving is the part I don’t have too much trouble with–it’s the taking away.

Well, I’m sitting here trying to decide if I have the courage to publish this post–my hesitation is–I don’t want to be pitied, I just need to verbalize how I’m feeling and be able to look back one day, and see where God has brought me from. Speaking of courage, I need to make a little trip to Byler’s and purchase a little ornament for Melanie –it is a “Willow Tree” angel of courage. She loved these angels and this one is so much of who she was and inspires me to be–to keep moving forward in the midst of the storms, when the outcome may not be as you have prayed, or even wished for.

Those of you who continue to reach out to us in many ways, thanks for your courage to do so, even if the words are not there–we are deeply grateful for each of you that stand beside us, pray for us, & encourage us to be faithful. We need to know there is hope, and joy again— Merry Christmas!  Lori

Thankful??

Just sitting here reading Max Lucado’s weekly devotions–it hit real hard as I again hear those words of trusting the Master–

Thanksgiving Day was spent at Marty’s brother’s house in VA.–had a very nice time, although it seems to be easier when we are not home–my mind was on last year at Thanksgiving. I remember Dr. Powell calling about 10 days before and asking if we want to go ahead as planned. After discussing our options, we decided to proceed as planned. We had 2 dinners that Day–with both sides of our family. We had a good time, although Mel was tired and slept some. Dr. Powell’s prediction was that the chemo would spoil the day because Mel would feel so yucky. She didn’t!

My list of things I’m grateful for this year are a bit different than last year–I am so blessed to have a supportive family that knows how to care when words are not there–I am grateful for those people from A I duPont that God had graciously placed in our path to extend Mel’s time with us–my last shopping trip with Mel was 01-01-2008, with a $100 Wal-Mart gift card from a complete stranger–so many lessons I’m still learning from a 13 year-old that continue to challenge my “dead-set” thinking–But topping the list has to be a Faith that continues to hold me and keep my focus on what is   eternal–the next life that I can only imagine to be far better than the best fairy tales–

So, we are looking forward to the next family time–Christmas–which always has been a favorite around here. It will be different as we get a “family” picture taken with Mel missing–or hang her stocking knowing that it will not be opened–only buying for 4 kids instead of 5–but then I remember when I asked her what she wanted or needed last year for Christmas–she said, “I really don’t need anything.” I think she knew the real meaning of Christmas–no amount of “things” would be able to compare with what she is experiencing today—

Find those people in your life today that you are at odds with, or maybe have just ignored you, let them know how much you care about them and love them, even if they may never change–I remember when our children were younger & life was more hectic–thinking that I never wanted to send them off to bed unless I knew –that if would never see them again–I would not have any regrets–would I ever wish to go back and make things right? Life is way too short to spend it in hate and regret—

As I close this post, we hope your Christmas is filled with making good memories that will last not only here, but in eternity–

Love,  Marty & Lori & family